I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
