I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
