I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
