Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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