Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
