I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Why are your pants in the freezer?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
