you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Randomize
