Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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