Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
