just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
