My liver just broke up with me...
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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