I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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