I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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