we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I am mentally ready for anal.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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