And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
