It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
This baby is an asshole
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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