When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
