You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
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