This dress was meant to end up on your floor
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
