One girl and one boy is just not enough.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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