Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
