At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
