she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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