Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
this beer tastes like vomit already
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
