so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
