no, he came in my armpit
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
