On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
