Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
