kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
