when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
