I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize