apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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