i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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