I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
