remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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