i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
