Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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