Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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