There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
