gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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