2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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