I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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