you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
