college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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