so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
