I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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