I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
