well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
