Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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