Did you just see the Batmobile???
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
