Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
