I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
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